The latest issue

There was no outhouse or barn, this time they would sleep beneath the stars.  Whilst the kettle was heating on the fire and the wizard was meditating with his hip flask, worm checked the fourth message on the phone.  “Hello, er, sorry, I have never usually called this type of thing. Oh my god I hate leaving messages, you end up sounding such a loser. Ah look your message said you could have a magic solution to all my problems.  Well I need something.  Please call me back.  My name is Lucy and I live in …”. Worm took down the details. Lucy lived in the nearby village and although her problem seemed trivial, at least as far as the master was concerned, it was at least achievable.  In truth Worm thought that a simple problem would be just thing for the wizard.  Lately the challenges and subsequent use of magic had taken its toll on the master. Worm would never have his master’s skill or knowledge of magic and couldn’t begin to grasp the ordeals of mind and body that sorcery involved.  Yet it seemed that of late the wizard had become weakened to his constant use of his powers.  Some days he couldn’t get up till early afternoon.  His constant drain of his magical powers leaving him with such horrendous headaches, nausea, and a breath that stunk of onions.  At least his master kept his promise to eat the raw onions.  Worm nearly cried when he heard that his master could not abide the root.  Yet it was, in some cases the wizard said, the only defence against the evil spirits that wanted to disembowel him when he used his magic.  The wizard’s bravery and disregard for his own life always impressed worm.  He was so selfless.  Indeed, at times the only way worm could convince the wizard to eat the life protecting onions was to buy him a kebab to help him swallow them.  Again this was no mean feat as the wizard was a strict vegetarian, unless of course the magic dictated that he need eat meat, such as breakfast, or when vampires were nearby and he then needed to eat bacon to ward them off. If no bacon was available then numerous sausages offered some protection from the blood sucking bastards, but bacon was best, master was determined on this issue. Enough of that back to Lucy. The message said that she thought her husband was having an affair with her brother who was the local priest, of the catholic persuasion. With his knowledge of catholic priests, Worm knew the story was just that, a story as Lucy’s husband was at least sixteen years old and so positively geriatric by the standards of the clergy. Lucy wanted the best result for all and especially no ill fortune for the church and so thought that a little bit of magic might be just the thing; after all magic was very similar to religion was it not? Now to sell it to the master, the master would demand a challenge but needed a rest. Sipping his tea Worm let his mind wander. Ah yes it was coming to him. “Master, there is a problem that requires your immediate attention”

The master looked up, his mouth full of boiled ham – he was sure a vampire had passed by recently, “Is that so worm? I have not heard the bells of Criminy chime”

“Really sire? Oh hang on, I had it on silent, sorry”

“Ah that would explain it.  Tell me what wisdom the oracle forebodes”

Worm shifted in his seat, “well sir it tells of a fair maiden”

The wizard’s face brightened “ah immediately I see this as a worthy challenge.  How fair is this maiden?”

“Well she sounds very sir”

The wizard smiled.  “This problem, that the fair maiden has, is it ‘earthy’ in its nature?”

Worm slurped his tea at this. “Well it involves her husband O great one”

The wizard stopped smiling. “oh, maybe it is not worthy then, unless of course he is punished by demons of flaccidity and the fair lady is wanting child.  Is that the issue?” 

Worm looked at the wizard, he had began drooling. The last time this had happened was when they went to the lap dancing bar in search of the killer banshee.  Apparently involuntarily drooling was the first sign of a nearby banshee.  The second sign, the wizard couldn’t possibly tell him and involved the wizard having to thoroughly examine all the dancers.  This cost them a lot of money.  They never found the banshee and worm was worried that the presence of a new banshee might deny him the chance of new trousers.

“Why master I think that even your great and unrivalled powers may be found wanting on this occasion, perhaps we should rest awhile and recuperate for some time?.”

“You may be right faithful Worm. Bring me my sleeping draught and pipe of thought.”

“Oh, ah, well master the leaves of peace for your pipe have finished. We ahem, well, ah yes this maiden is renowned for her herbal garden where she grows the finest thought pipe weed. Perhaps we should investigate further? For the weed of course.”

“As always Worm you see the true path. But where to begin? Tell me of the main protagonist, where will he be found? What threat is he? Tell me of his habits and leave no stone unturned, I need to know all.”

So Worm started the brief. “Your main adversary is not new to the dark arts. He has studied long and hard to get where he is today and his black uniform denotes that he has achieved great competence. It is known that his College indulges in the darkest of magic, debasing themselves on the flesh of young males so they can pull power from the young. Not totally selfish they have been known to permit their young acolytes to suck the power back on occasion and so perpetuate their sick creed ad infinitum. Whilst their power has been waning they are still a strong and dangerous foe master, caution must be our watchword”

Master took a long swig from his flask, thought for a while and took several more long pulls from the flask before saying, “Worm I think an introduction is in order, see to it.”